Here is one of the deepest conversations you will read on how "Emotional Intelligence Affects Romantic and Business Relationships" by Mr.Leke Alder.
Hello, Fluffy Life,
I have read this lecture over 20 times and thought to share it with you.
It is by one of my mentors, Mr.Leke Alder.
The title is “This Animal Called Life”.
First, let me thank Oyinkansola Alabi, the CEO of Emotions City for inviting me to deliver this lecture. We debated the format of the lecture. For obvious reasons, I was worried about a lecture just before or after dinner. If before the dinner the people may feel I am delaying Item 7 and not be interested in what I have to say.
If after dinner the people may doze off. Some meals are gastronomical thugs. Take pounded yam. It has a soporific effect on human consciousness. Its cousin, Eba is a street fighter. It tends to swell with pride. Heaven help you if the arena is your stomach. You suddenly feel like you’re hauling extra luggage through Heathrow Terminal 3. Information on the menu for this dinner wasn’t shared with me so you can understand my reticence. I didn’t know whether Eba or pounded yam was on the menu. But I have been assured you’ll neither be impatient nor sleep off on me and so I agreed to lecture style. As it turns out Oyinkansola is Ilorin Oliver Twist. She wants both a lecture and an interview.
Now, Oyinkansola is an expert in the arcane engineering of emotional intelligence. The field is very wide as you can imagine. That’s because it’s technically defined as the ability to understand, use and manage emotions to empathize with others, relate, communicate effectively, and defuse conflict.
I will not pretend to be an expert in the field or even claim to know much about it. My practical non-technical over-simplification of the definition of emotional intelligence, therefore, is, being wise enough to know how to relate to people, especially those you need to relate to in order to advance in life or live in peace, being understanding of the human condition and being empathetic to it. My definition is of course debatable, but it is very practical, and it works for me. It’s even African. In a society where it is alleged witches can come after you for not saying good morning you better have emotional intelligence!
But my definition accommodates my personal social deficiencies. Like some of you, I much prefer to relate to a limited number of humankind. I do not enjoy Nigerian parties. They are extremely noisy, raucous, riotous, shambolic, and disorganized. Making a conversation is not easy at those parties. They’re not as civil at our gathering today. If you doubt attempt to give a speech at a Nigerian party. You will be competing with two live bands, fighting over late serving of Ofada rice, greetings, and the sound of fork and spoons, not fork and knife. You have to shout above the din and wrestle with loudspeakers. My grandmother lost hearing in one ear sitting near loudspeakers at a party and so I have always been suspicious of loudspeakers. On top of all these, I have to forcefully nurse a soft drink for hours on end, as if the drink is on a life extension machine.
But life insists I must attend some of those parties and I am wise enough to attend some. It’s good for business. They depict relevance and importance, and your host or hostess feels honored. Attending those parties my friend, is emotional intelligence. If you won’t consume yam because of palm oil, you must consume palm oil for the sake of yam.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with attending Nigerian parties. It’s just that we all just have different constitutions. I want to live a very quiet and less interactive life but my giftings will not allow. My wife is even quieter, though she seems to have found ways to cope with the public domain. She’s emotionally intelligent despite being a reserved person. The point I’m trying to make is that your personality type is not what determines emotional intelligence, or some people will be permanent lost causes. I’m putting on the table that emotional intelligence is wisdom and effort.
And you need emotional intelligence in marriage. Contrary to what you might have heard, couples don’t need to prove the workability of their marriage by fighting. Fights are debilitating. What’s the value of verbal, or passive pugilism in marriage? Marriage works better when couples put each other first. My wife and I try to put each other first in everything – or should I say she puts me first in everything 😊. Both of us do actually, and that can produce interesting contradictions.
Take the dynamics of regulating the air conditioner through the night. I don’t like air-conditioning much, but she does. And so we take turns suffering. My nose gets blocked for an hour while she enjoys the air conditioning. And then she sweats profusely for the next hour while my nose gets unblocked. All that disturbs her sleep pattern of course. She’s a light sleeper who has found a way to transfer her gentility into sleep. Let’s just say I read too many comics growing up. Worse still, my wakefulness and dream state is a continuum. I am very aware of what is going on when I sleep. I even get to deliver lectures in my sleep. She probably heard this lecture first. Thank God she loves me. I’m saying emotional intelligence is easier when you love people. Love propels you to do things you might otherwise find difficult to do given the limitations of your personality.
Now, I want my wife happy because she brings so much joy to my life. There’s no friction in our marriage. We’re not a physics lesson. And talking about physics I love physics. I love reading stuff about cosmology, space travel, quantum physics, etcetera. I have a very different understanding of the book of Genesis when it comes to faith. I believe God is a scientist. Now, my wife, she is not interested in all that physics stuff. She’s mildly amused by my excitement about physics, is perpetually in wonderment about my lust for knowledge, and has packed me aside like we say in Nigeria. She thinks I’m strange, but then she celebrates my uniqueness. My counter to her is that she must be strange too. Or why would she marry a strange human? Of all the people in the world, she gave her heart to me, and she wasn’t in want of suitors.
I’m saying what determines the workability of marriage can be something as simple as celebrating differences rather than fighting over differences. Recognizing and celebrating the uniqueness of your partner is emotional intelligence. Couples need to adore each other. Differences are supposed to make a relationship stronger, not weaker. That’s the point of federalism. Practice federalism in your marriage. The problem often comes when