How to let only the right people into your life
Letting only the right people into your life can depend on the context, whether it's about physical access to your home, joining a community, becoming friends or something else. Here are some general strategies I use:
Define Criteria: Clearly define who qualifies as the "right people." This might include alignment of values or vision. Don’t be pals just for the sake of being pals, be pals for a reason. Be together because you like each other and desire to serve each other not because you want to use or namedrop them.
Screening Process: Develop a subtle mental and emotional screening process to assess the humans who desire to be around you. Do they honor their word (Do they do what they say they will do)? are they loyal to their partners? because if they are not loyal to the single person they swore to be loyal to, will they be loyal to you? What can they do for money? what can they not do for money?
Access Control: Establish boundaries. Not everyone who says hello to you must be your friend.
Clear Communication: Communicate your criteria and expectations clearly to potential entrants, this is called expectation management in Emotional Intelligence. Clear communication helps set mutual understanding. No stories, or assumptions about how you want to communicate in your friendships or how you want to resolve issues. We are all too matured to be throwing tantrums or subbing each other online or on Whatsapp.
Feedback Loops: Establish feedback mechanisms to continuously evaluate yourself without being defensive when corrected.
Trust Signals: Look for trust signals such as past experience, reputation, or endorsements from credible sources.
While writing this, I stumbled on what LISA NICHOLS, one of my older colleagues wrote about friendships a couple of years ago, I hope it makes sense to you…………………………………………………………………………..
Relationship is a relationship – whether the context is business or personal. And when relationships are broken or damaged, they are painful. Betrayal feels like betrayal. Hurt feels like hurt. The second thing to remember is we don’t just do business with businesses; we do business with people.
So, how do you go about mending broken relationships? Here are some tips and strategies I have personally used to rebuild relationships.
Take ownership of YOUR PART in the breakdown. Now this is not always easy, so pull up your big girl and big boy pants for this step. I know many times when I felt hurt or betrayed or taken advantage of, I could not see any breakdown on my part. But, when I dug a little deeper, I realized the breakdown often was due to my LACK OF CLARITY around expectations or my needs. I might have spoken to the big points, but it was the small points where the perception was different. The big points are like the bricks stacking on top of each other when you are building a house – the big ideas. The small points like how you are going to get it done, by when dates, and expectations are the cement.
Ask for what you want. I used to worry that if I put together a contract with a business partner, they would think I didn’t trust them. What I have learned (and I’m going to invite you to say this with me) is “It is important and imperative that we have a clear contract because what doesn’t live in black and white, lives in gray.” And EVERY broken relationship, EVERY lawsuit I’ve ever heard of came from the gray area. Be clear and set clear expectations. Ask for what you want now and in the future.
Ask what’s required to regain trust on both sides? If you owned your part and realized that you broke the trust, ask,
“What do you need from me to trust this relationship again?” And if you were NOT the one that broke the trust, or initiated the damage, then say, “This is what I need from you to regain trust in this relationship.”
Put checkpoints in place. In the beginning of a business relationship or project, put several milestone checkpoints in place. At those checkpoints, it is easier to correct sooner, so the breakdowns are not as big. Agree on the milestones and the frequency of the checkpoints.
Discuss how you will part ways as you are initiating the mending of the relationship. For example, set parameters like “Let’s give each other 30 days’ notice or 10-days’ notice if things are not working out for us. Have that courageous conversation. I know it sounds hard, but sometimes you have to be an adult for the sake of the relationship.
Finally, consider bringing in a third party who is neutral and who understands the art of communication and the art of relationship management.
I will talk to you again soon.
I love you ❤️