The walls we build. How to spot emotional unavailability and rebuild connection.
The Walls We Build. How to Spot Emotional Unavailability & Rebuild Connection.
You meet someone. The chemistry crackles. The laughter flows. But over time, you notice a quiet ache, a distance you can’t name. You brush it off: “They’re just busy,” but deep down you know you’re falling for someone who’s emotionally unavailable.
HOW TO SPOT EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY
The Vanishing Act: Hot and cold behavior. One week, they’re all in; the next, they’re “processing things” in silence. Consistency feels like a myth.
Surface-Level Only: Conversations skate around feelings. Ask about their fears or dreams, and they deflect with jokes or vague answers.
Future Fog: Talk of commitment, even plans next month triggers a shutdown.
Trauma Without Progress: They reference past hurts but avoid healing. Pain becomes an excuse, not a catalyst for growth.
The red flag isn’t their baggage, it’s their refusal to unpack it.
WHY THEY FLEE (It’s Not About You).
Emotional unavailability often roots in:
Childhood neglect or inconsistent caregiving
Trauma that equates love with danger
Cultural conditioning (e.g., “Men don’t cry”)
Fear of being “seen” and deemed unworthy
Being Hurt Again: Past betrayals taught them love is conditional.
Losing Control: Vulnerability feels like free falling without a parachute.
Imperfection: They’d rather be “mysterious” than risk being seen as flawed.
But here’s the hard truth: You can’t love someone into availability. Walls only fall when they pick up the hammer.
HOW TO MOVE FROM UNAVAILABLE TO AVAILABLE
(For the person building walls or the one trying to love them.)
If You’re the Partner:
Stop Rescuing: You can’t love someone into readiness. Set boundaries: “I care, but I need reciprocity.”
Ask Direct Questions: “What do you need to feel safe here?” If they deflect, walk away. Love shouldn’t feel like a guessing game.
Name the Ghosts
Unavailable: Journal your “triggers”
Partner: Stop excusing “hot and cold” cycles as “just how they are”.
Practice Micro-Vulnerability
Share one hidden fear per week (“I’m scared of failing as a parent”).
Replace “I’m fine” with “I’m struggling to say what I need”.
Rewire the Nervous System
For avoidants: Stay present during conflict for 5 extra minutes before taking space.
For partners: Stop chasing, create safety through consistency, not pressure.
The 48-Hour Rule
If they withdraw, say: “I’ll give you space, but check in within two days.”
If they ghost beyond this? They’ve shown their capacity. Believe them.
THE ULTIMATE TEST
Unavailable: Share a secret you’ve never told anyone. Notice: Do you feel lighter or naked?
Partner: Spend a week not initiating. Does the silence amplify or clarify?
When to Walk Away (and When to Stay)
Stay if: They acknowledge their walls and take small steps (therapy, reading, self-work).
Leave if: Their unavailability comes with entitlement.
The Invitation
Emotional availability isn’t about constant closeness. It’s about choosing to return.
Yours in Emotional Intelligence
Oyinkansola Alabi
The Emotions Doctor
Thank you so much for sharing this ma'am
This is exactly what is happening between my husband and I this week.
This is our 15th year and he keeps 'deflecting' when we're about having serious conversations. He doesn't want to talk about our future or the kids'. He doesn't make any plans. I suggested short and long term goals when we just got married but he waved it off. We're still on the same spot, no progress. He didn't allow me further my education as he and his family promised me before marriage and I just feel stuck because I'm tired of fighting trying to make him see things or even praying. He doesn't share any financial decisions with me, he just gives me what ever he can afford at any given time to take care of the home. I'm trying to heal too from childhood trauma but I'm completely open for counselling. I don't understand how a couple is expected to win if both are not united. He doesn't 'always' want to pray together, he doesn't believe in Unity or oneness. He wants to do all the thinking by himself. He doesn't need my help but only for sex. It is so frustrating. And because I spoke of my frustrations to an unfortunate human about 3years ago, that one almost broke my home by relaying it to my in-laws and they in turn said I was not a good woman who builds her home. They came fighting my entire family even with their church members . I almost committed suicide out of embarrassment for something I told this person inside my room and you went on to tell Deacons in the church, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and eventually all 6 of my husband's siblings and their spouses gathered to have a meeting without our knowledge reporting me to the Pastor.
This life is so unfair. I kept wondering this was not what I envisaged about my home. Because I asked him a question on Tuesday evening about our marriage he hasn't spoken to me since and he has been sleeping in the living room making it look like I'm the one disturbing his life.
Even as I'm typing this now, I'm afraid of what could come out of this.